I have neglected him. Him meaning Rider. Since my family returned home on Sunday I have failed to take him for one walk.
He squeaked his toy duck for me a few times this morning to get my attention, but I had to ignore him. It actually broke my heart to see him sitting in the doorway of the office looking at me intently and with hope that I would get up and go for a w-a-l-k.
I looked at him and told him, “tomorrow, bud. I’ll take you for a nice long w-a-l-k in the morning.” But he still stared at me. We then proceeded to play stink eye where we attempted to see who could stare at the other the longest without blinking. I won. Rider blinked first. He then walked out of the office and into the guest bedroom…I mean “his” bedroom.
I usually welcome these interruptions because they serve as a reprieve from a job search or from work that can just plain ol’ wait. But today I couldn’t be interrupted. Besides being ineloquent, which you may know I am from the title of this blog, I can be a real “Debbie Downer” about myself and my capabilities. I have been doing many bible studies of my own on confidence issues for the past year and this year, really focusing on how I have to see myself as God sees me and not compare myself with anyone. Soooo…I’m ineloquent and lack self-confidence, but at least I’m honest. I have always found that the more honest I am about myself with God (and with others – like you who may be reading this), the better I feel for I am actually allowing Him to create a new heart in me…every day.
I couldn’t be interrupted because I was praying. I couldn’t be interrupted because I was being silent and still before the most amazing God whom I can’t even begin to fathom how great He really is. I was anxious and He knew it and so I was asking for His peace: Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Did I mention this is my favorite bible verse? Well, it is and now you know.
When I am anxious and/or excited I tend to lack confidence and/or tend to not be able to speak. Seriously, it’s as if I have one hundred marbles in my mouth and someone is asking me to speak as clearly as possible. It’s awful and it seems to be something that I have dealt with my whole life.
Many who know me would beg to differ letting me know that they find me to confident, straight-forward, and the most extroverted individual they have met. Well, then I must say “thank you” to those who believed that to be true because I always loved the stage and perhaps my acting capabilities aren’t half bad. Ha! Anyway, I have tricked many in believing that I am unshakeable, but I was shaking a bit in my boots, err socks, this morning as I prepped to have lunch with a pretty important individual in the environmental field.
My interest in clean water for East Africa has naturally progressed to a desire to know more about protecting the renewable energy source (water) here in the States, to include Alaska. Therefore, I have been looking for work in the environmental sector of Alaska and this lunch meeting was a pretty big deal to network with an individual who has many connections with environmental agencies across Alaska and beyond.
I was anxious and anxious and…anxious. I hadn’t been in a setting to actually talk about myself in 2 years. I had interviewed a few times with some organizations to travel to Africa two years ago, but this didn’t compare. Two years is a long time and I knew I was a bit rusty. So, I prepped. I prepped by remembering to go to God.
Today was rewarding on many levels to include meeting with a regional director of a national environmental agency in the US, but the most important was being able to go to God and ask him for confidence and for Him to go before me and pave a way and to give me the words to say. All the while, remembering that this life is not about me, water, or about any other cause I believe in, but it’s for Him. In this fact, I find great rest. I also find peace in knowing that the only one I need to impress is God. Be honest with yourself and stop trying to impress; stop comparing yourself with so-and-so and remember to live this life for Him. You may find yourself experiencing this life in new and exciting ways. For me, it was being able to speak eloquently and without sounding like I had a hundred marbles in my mouth.
Tomorrow, though, I really do need to take Rider for a w-a-l-k.